Clocks in Heaven

Laugh, It's Funny

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, “Welcome. Come walk with me and I’ll show you where you’ll be staying.”

As they’re walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, “What are all those clocks for?”

St. Peter replies, “They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie.”

By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, “I didn’t see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?”

St. Peter calmly replies, “People here use them as fans.”

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Solving the country’s problems

United States

Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida.

We can solve all of these problems in three easy steps:

  1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
  2. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the levies.
  3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

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10 Dumb Racist things Democrats have said

Media Bias
The drive by media has accused Rush Limbaugh of making racist statements about slavery and plantations. They investigate him for things he’s never said. How about reporting on these stupid things that Democrats have said?
 
10. Democrat Fritz Hollings of South Carolina thinks being from Africa makes you a cannibal: “You’d find these potentates from down in Africa, you know, rather than eating each other, they’d just come up and get a good square meal in Geneva.”
 
9. Howard Dean reaches out: “I still want to be the candidate for guys with Confederate flags in their pickup trucks.”
 
8. California Democrat Diane Watson thinks interracial marriage is icky: “He’s married to a white woman. He wants to be white. He wants a colorless society. He has no ethnic pride. He doesn’t want to be black.”
 
7. Howard Dean thinks service positions are for minorities, not big fancy white people: “You think the Republican National Committee could get this many people of color in a single room? … Only if they had the hotel staff in here.”
 
6. Joe Biden explains why southern Democrats should vote for him: “My state was a slave state.”
 
5. “Conscience of the Senate” and former Klansman Robert Byrd on equal opportunity: “I’ve seen a lot of white n*ggers in my time.
 
4. Hillary Clinton does an impression (complete with accent) of an African-American man who didn’t know what Emily’s List was: “She’s supportin’ all these people. She’s supportin’ Sen. Dianne Feinstein . She’s supported Sen. Barbara Boxer . . . She supported everybody. Why won’t she support me?”
 
3. Democratic Mayor of New Orleans Ray Nagin denies that white people might live in New Orleans: “I don’t care what people are saying Uptown or wherever they are. This city will be chocolate at the end of the day.”"
 
2. Democrat Steny Hoyer reviews Michael Steele’s career: “[He has] a career of slavishly supporting the Republican Party.”
 
1. Then Senator Joe Biden fills us in on who works at convenience stores: “You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent … I’m not joking.”
 
Remember, Rush hasn’t said any of the things that race pimps Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have accused him of saying. The Democrats listed above, actually said all those things.

Posted via email from Jason’s posterous

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Some of you ladies might like this list of reasons God created Eve

Laugh, It's Funny
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As “Keeper of the Garden,” Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that.”
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