TSAnta Claus

Do not probe until X-MasNot even Santa can avoid a TSA “enhanced pat down.”

Unbelievable. I’ve been flying over 150 years and now I have to prove I’m not a terrorist? What was it, the beard?

The indignity of it all, that’s what gets me. I’m revered the world over. I get more fan mail than bin Laden and Obama combined. And I have to open up and spread ‘em for some rent-a-cop like I’m the grand poobah of al-Grincha. Some might call that fair; I call it naughty.

Whoa there, pal. Easy with that particular package, OK? If anything happens to it I don’t think even my elves could make another one.

Get your T-shirt here.

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Season’s greetings

Christmas

To all my liberal friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.

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